Saturday, March 13, 2010


The sun came out today and broke into my melancholy mood of the past week or so. It hasn't been the greatest week. The kids are on spring break and I had to work the first 4 days of it. I sprained my knee last week, and then our van died. I mean literally it has died, like it is smoking! It's only 8 years old and a Toyota, we thought they went forever. We finally brought it to our wonderful mechanic who lovingly broke the news that it needs a new engine!!???! So the spring break road trip is canceled. On top of that our "finally" news of work for Kevin is teaching us great patience or showing us our lack of it, one of the two. It might be at least another 3-4 weeks until we know for sure, and the paperwork gets approved for him to work cross-border.

And so, life seems to continue on in all its mundane continuing day to day sameness. So I think in my mind of all the things I have known to be true. The depths of God's love for us, the freedom and opportunity we have in Canada, the reality that there are people in so much pain that we can't even fathom or compare to, the fact that life is more how we react to it, than what happens to us. How my reactions to life aren't gauging my character so well? I feel empty and yet it seems to be so hard to go to the 'fount of every blessing' to be refilled. Everything I feel is so circumstantial, but it can really drag you down. I really continue to see my need to learn and grow so much more, my real need for a Savior who doesn't base His love for me on my childish temper tantrums.

I had a long discussion with a friend who I know has been struggling with basic faith questions and left church. Who can't understand how a God would keep certain good and wonderful, loving people out of heaven who have been hurt by church, like her Mom, because they haven't decided to follow Him. That is a tough question!! She'd rather take her chances on the scale of good deeds. How so much I needed that conversation too, to prove that Jesus is my Only Way, and to rediscover how to explain that to someone.

I got some left over spring flowers from a fundraising dinner a bunch of us put together Friday night for some friends who are moving to Uganda. They are brightening up my day!


Randi said...

Those are tough things and definitely have the ability to get you down. It's why true joy can only come from Jesus ... if we depended on our circumstances, we'd never experience it. I'll be praying for all of these things - although each on its own may seem small, they amount to a lot when all together. So sorry you're having a tough week.

Sandra said...

"Tantruming?" "Moping?" I dunno, L. Maybe weary? Disappointed? Unsure? Human?

But also unswerving, determined, and mindful. We heard a preacher on our road trip. He said, "Faith is stone cold. It's unemotional." While your emotions are worn down and this season in your lives is too long, too unsure, too un-like-you, your One is unalterably near and you don't flinch in your will to believe that. Faith.

Encouragment in your right-now probably feels thready, even false. Words feel shallow, reality thick and deep.

So, may the One who is above words and all about Spirit and Life and irrational hope settle in close and surprise you with moments of assurance.

And, even though it will be too small a thought in the face of your many thoughts, consider this: despite the discomfort of your now, you continue to do the One Thing in an exemplary way, L. Your whole family does, I think?

You Love. You love and love and love. You love Him. You love others. From your dark place, you offer everything from match-spark flares of Light to full on 1,000,000 candlewatt flashlight Brilliance.

You are gift, L.

"bigcanadiangirl" said...

I loved what your friend Sandra said. I particularly love this blessing "So, may the One who is above words and all about Spirit and Life and irrational hope settle in close and surprise you with moments of assurance". I will continue to pray for you in your season of waiting.