Today I feel mopey, and I probably shouldn't even write a post, but it's days like this that life is real and boring and frustrating. I get tired of the appearance many put on that life is always fantastic....
It seems today is another unanswered prayer... unanswered in the way I want it answered. There is no first day of school photo this year because it's just not right with only one smiling and one laying in bed. But that is the reality. It was supposed to be this exciting first day of high school. A big transition, a new adventure, new friends and the turning of a corner in life, one I'm not nearly ready for, but trying to embrace none the less. It is what seems like another trial and waiting, another disappointment in a string of them. I've prayed a few specific things for my girl in the past 3 years, and just wonder when they will ever come for her. This just seems to be a slap in the face at a bigger issue. So I need to trust that I can't see what lies ahead, the full picture, but getting myself there sometimes takes work, striving... more like submitting.
So I wonder in my mind if I imagine the ways I want things to be, and my expectations become posed in a certain direction, and when something so drastically different happens, it's hard to re-orient. As summer 2010 closes its doors, it feels frightfully the same... not at all what I had imagined it to be.
I want the days back of simple things like blowing bubbles in the back yard, and 3 years old making cookies with me at the counter. Of riding bikes and crafts, not these hard challenges like helping them discover who they are through the pain and agony of some of the discoveries and circumstances, letting them go, and letting them make their own decisions and crying with them through their disappointments. But the joys are full, the discovery of gifts, the wit and humor of teenagers, and the watching of their own journeys unfold.
I thought I was all good yesterday seeing my boy walk off to his first day at middle school, and meet his group of friends waiting outside. I was all good til another Mom friend walked up all teary eyed. That's when I lost it. Losing it once in awhile is a good thing.