Monday, August 10, 2009

I'm off from working -outside the home- for more than 2 weeks, so I should be jubilant. But instead I feel bored, restless, and not sure what to do with myself. There has been this impending sense of uncertainty looming around and it feels heavy, sort of like the smoke that's been hanging in our valley. The big question hangs in the air about where we are supposed to go, what Kevin should be doing, is there work somewhere out there that will fit him and his personality and his abilities? We definitely determined that we didn't want to jump into any big decisions about relocating unless it were something really great, but how about nothing? All the questions swirl around in my head that still remain unanswered. Is this all we were meant for? If we are meant to live lives to the full, why does it feel like this? Why can't I hear where God is directing us? I'm tired of trying to listen for that still small voice, just hit me over the head, tell me what to do, I'm not really that observant, I need big signs. This searching gets tiresome after awhile, and yet when I give up the pursuit of Him, it feels even more meaningless. But sometime along the way, there must be some answers to the bigger questions. It's not that work defines you, but you definitely can't just sit around all the time and expect to pay the bills. It kind of stinks that way! Darn that Adam and Eve! It's too bad, you can't just take what you absolutely love to do and get paid to do it. But what if you don't even know what that is?

I am usually one of those people who just pull themselves together, try to be positive and look for the best. But this day I feel a little like feeling sorry for myself for awhile and just feeling frustrated.

I think I'll just fly away.


Sandra said...

There's a difference between uncertainty and self-pity, my friend. Sometimes they feel a lot alike.

My today-prayer: for inspired creativity that leads to clear direction ~ and the freedom to make a living doing what you both love while loving the people you encounter. For courageous peace in the 'between times.

Randi said...

That's a really hard place to be ... we've been there too. I'll be praying that God would provide direction, clarity, and wisdom ... and a job! :)