Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Over Flowing Blessings

The past week for me has been a bit of an emotional disaster: frustration with myself, with our situation, angry that I don't FEEL God's intervention and direction, feeling stuck, feeling like nothing will ever change, wondering how this life can be of any use to anyone. Although I KNOW His faithfulness to be true. I KNOW He has kept and provided for us, I KNOW he loves me, I KNOW He that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what God has prepared for those He loves (1 Cor. 2:9). I just FEEL in so many ways that I'm tired of searching, pursuing, seeking with no apparent "return", and have given up on doing that. I want it to just drop down on me. I want to be pursued, for us to just SEE what He has in store for the next page of our life. I want to know that the pursuit is worth it,
But all this being said, I know that nothing will change until my attitude does. If I am not faithful when it's hard, if I am not seeking Him every day, then my selfishness will take over and begin to be the first attitude of my heart rather than a surrendered life. Sometimes it's just hard to make it all fit together. I refuse to go through life not asking the difficult questions and just putting a fake smile on my face and moving forward. Sometimes, it just seems that God is silent and He is testing our faithfulness to Him.
Yesterday I heard something from Beth Moore that will stick with me today, "Don't pursue your calling (or place in life), pursue Him, and you will be on a collision course with your calling." It's hard to do that when there are big decisions facing you and life could turn in different directions, but with another redirect in my mind, I will carry on.

With the latest disasters happening in Haiti, it is so easy to count our blessings!

63. a roof over our heads
64. food in the fridge
65. fresh water!!! REALLY!!
66. choice- although that sometimes is a difficulty in itself
67. happy, smart, healthy children who will still sit at the table and read the Bible together and interrupt a dozen times with questions like, " What does that word predestination mean?" (oh my dear girl, there are novels written on that one), and "What is redemption?" (forgiveness of sin is so much bigger than a coupon for a free pizza). "Was Saul still King even though David had been annointed?", "How come I can't have sheep?"
68. lots of January work for me - how many pairs of disposable gloves did I use last week that someone would die for today in Haiti?
69. knowing where our family is and that they are safe
70. being able to plan ahead further than finding today's dinner
71. a loving husband
72. free pizza
73. a much calmer dog these days, he's turning 3 soon and leaving the crazy teen years behind
74. Godly, pursuing women that I meet with on Monday's
75. spending Mom's birthday money for shoes on new shoes for me :) Thanks Mom
76. health
77. hearing the news of people praising God in the rubble
78. chai tea
79. hospitals that function
80. knowing freedom!

holy experience


Sandra said...

The contention between gratitude and real-life struggle: thanks for expressing that so passionately here, L.

Six years into the uncertainty of things we are still waiting for clear direction. In the absence of lightbulb moments we struggle with in-the-moment faithfulness.

My cousin posted a Ghandi quote on FB yesterday: Almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is important that you do it.

But I never expected to FEEL so unsure, so bewildered, so adrift ~ while still knowing all of those things that you mentioned that you know!

May these emotional days (and weary days, it sounds like?) find you growing in the understanding of our in-the-now God. Aww, man. May we all grow in that understanding! I want that understanding! Knowing that His Way is as much about how we're navigating this moment (in all of it's vulnerability, ugliness, hope, drudgery, mess, joy) as it is about our part in the bigger picture.

Shalom, my friend.

"bigcanadiangirl" said...

Lin, I feel some of your pain and I wish I could change things for you. Sometimes these answers are painfully slow aren't they? It is so hard to rest in His sovereignty but we must. Just let me know how to do that.

Randi said...

I understand your situation and it's so hard. Praying that God would soon show you His plan and that peace would reign in the meantime. I know you feel somewhat adrift and long for stability again. Praying for you and Kevin.

Love the things you're thankful for.