I'm bleary eyed from not enough sleep and wondering what really matters in a day? Why do we do the things we do? Which things that happen in a day are ones that actually make a difference? There are so many ordinary moments.. things that need to happen, like cleaning the bathroom and getting groceries and making lunches.. all so ordinary, done so many times over by so many Moms, so many people everyday. It's not like we can stop doing these things, but they seem all mundane over and over, and over. What in those moments makes them rich, makes them Spirit filled? Or are some of them never that way? Or can they all become that if our motive and attitude towards it is focused towards the greater love, looking for the moments? Thinking these thoughts, not in a negative way, just wondering, musing.
Did it matter that I mopped up an entire glass of apple juice on the hospital floor when I should have been driving home, but my heart wasn't happy about it? That the kids make it to where they need to be everyday at the right time, but in a hurry? Sometimes I just want to leave it all behind and follow a bigger plan, a wilder dream. But I know the ordinary moments would still happen, waiting for planes to exotic places, or needing to rally up a meal, or brushing shoulders with another stranger in some other place - would it matter whether or not I interact with them? The same questions, the same thoughts, the same me would be in a different grand dream.
So I continue striving, but not for striving's sake, to be more real, to love deeper, be more patient, laugh more often at myself, live with each moment.. in this place! In each moment, that's where I want to be. Pressing on is maybe a better word. Without fear that things will remain the same, so hard to change old habits, so difficult to make new plans or resolve new things. A new year with a new Word, fresh manna for each new day.